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hiatus

Posted on 03·07·2008 at 03:48
i am: upset
now playing: m83 - the highest journey
So after ages of not logging on, not to update and not to read friend's blogs, I log on after having a nightmare. I guess not so much a nightmare as much as a bad dream. This is the second dream I've had in the last week where I had been weeping, then waking up with a racing heart. This time however, it felt so real, like I could hardly breathe, overwhelmed with emotion and so I wept.

This dream, I was engaged to be married. I got ready and headed to the beach where we were having the wedding right on the sand. When I showed up though, I saw he was marrying someone else. In my white dress, I tried to hide, but he saw me and said, "hey, I didn't know if you got the invitation, glad you could make it." I felt the world around me collapsing, I was so crushed and humiliated.

It could be many things, it could be this fear I seem to always have of rejection when I become interested in someone, that feeling that I'll never love again, loss like I've never felt before. I'm afraid, I know, and why play things safe.

And so I googled weeping and dream interpretation, which sucks to have to resort to google to analyze my thoughts and dreams, but the result:


Free Dream Interpretation - WEEPING
To dream that you are weeping, signifies bad news and disruption in the family.
To see others weeping in your dream, symbolizes pleasant reunion after periods of saddened estrangements.


There is some worry about my sister and some health issues and I would agree that something that like would crush my heart into a million little pieces, but this dream seemed unrelated to that. The other dream search result:

Weeping in dreams is not at all unusual. This is often because of the emotional power carried by the images and persons you are encountering. Weeping in the dream is generally separate from actual physical tears forming. It is more often that weepy feeling you get in your heart when a particularly moving scene is played out before you. The best advice is always to go with the dream. Emotional releases and revelations can have a very cleaning effect on the psyche and should be embraced whenever possible. However, you should try to determine the trigger event that caused the emotion.

Did someone else make you cry directly?

Were you crying for a particular reason, or was it for a general emotional release?

Did the tears make you feel ultimately better or worse?


Then again, I may just need to not have dinner right before bed.

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Posted on 27·09·2007 at 06:13
Because only graphic designers and people who stayed up to buy a copy of Galo are up at this hour. :D

At least after this week, we will be done with 1/4th of the semester. I think I'm getting too old for allnighters.

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all these things in me

Posted on 09·09·2007 at 16:26
So at some point, I will have to come down off this high and get back to my work, life, school, routine, but let me have this moment. This is something I wish to preserve.

I concluded Friday night after the first of the Underworld shows that this has been the best year of my life. Of course, there have been down moments, but I successfully completed the first year of my program, have close friends I truly adore, got to travel to the city I hope to call home very soon, a new pet, and lots of shows. But something about seeing Underworld live again after 4 years, I feel my appreciation is different but on a level beyond just really liking the sound. The words of songs I've heard over the years, while the lyrics are the same, the images, story and interpretation have changed. Experiences and new knowledge and exposure to culture has played a significant role in the evolution of my love. I love music, lots of music, can't get enough of it, but with Underworld, I have respect for them. They harmonize mediums, and communicate through visuals, lyrics, melodies, rhythm, light, color, tones, textures, and the whole experience. In particular, when they perform live. The audience is just as significant to the art. It's not enough to sing, dance and cheer, but to live it. Invest in the motion, waves pulling you through different epochs, senses heightened, emotions electrified, lighting up faces with smiles, joy bursting at the seams, grinning from ear to ear at those climatic moments. I am very grateful to have been there both Friday and Saturday. Thank you Rick, Karl, Darren for coming back, thank you for being a source of inspiration, for all that you do... My muses, your work is a part of what makes it all worth it.

Forever in your debt,
me






pictures
friday
saturday

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the things I love

Posted on 07·09·2007 at 12:42


So back in 1997, I heard this song by this group called Underworld. It was on the Hackers soundtrack and I’d seen the video one late night on MTV. I was a big fan of Britpop who wanted to move to England and study Fashion Design at one of the top art schools then. I also was into electronic music so I looked for these guys on the internet and couldn’t find their official site anywhere.

Some two years later and it’s 1999, and they have a new single for their new album. I found the dirty list and the dirty site. I road 9 hours with a chick from school I hardly knew, but she had a car and I convinced her to go to the first ever Coachella Festival (now this 300,000 people, 3-day festival near Palm Springs that sells out every year) so I could see Underworld. It was my first time seeing them and I was changed, inspired. I wanted to do visual design. They had these jumbotron screens with text and imagery as the backdrop to their music.

And over the years from 2000-2002, I get in touch with their design firm, Tomato, whom I want to work for. I was doing Computer Science courses at the time (I figured I could do both), but when my professor said to pick a mentor, I was keeping in touch with Ant asking him questions in regards to what would I need to work to get to work with them. I saw Underworld again in San Francisco, no visuals this time beyond a bubble backdrop and green lasers.

{edit} : I was reminded we saw them in 2003 at Coachella. :) Old age and forgetfulness, methinks.

From 2003-2006, my love for Underworld kind of fades. I had a broken engagement, school and work, moving to Tucson, flunking out of Arizona, broken hearted, moving back, starting over again, looking for a school to finally do graphic design. I’m admitted into Sacramento Fall 2004 but don’t start school there until Spring 2005. Then the last two years have been working hard each semester then crash and burn at the end. Then Underworld started up the riverrun projects, doing broadcasts on their site, touring Europe and talks of a new album. And they brought back the Tomato visuals! I was still semi-excited about it…

This summer, I find that the dirty.org domain was sold and they are scheduled to play Central Park. Originally I was going to go to NYC for that but it’s a couple weeks into the semester and wanted to be able to see the city rather than just go for a couple of days just for the show. But then they added SF, and then another show. I bought a ticket for Friday, and I was unsure… until this week.

I’ve started to get in touch with friends in the area I’ve known for years because of the community. I’ve looked up old videos and Tomato books that first inspired me and still influence my work today. I got really excited yesterday when I found out there’s a possibility of meeting them on Saturday. To meet the people that have influenced me, my love for art, music, design, life and beauty, all these things make my heart race and bring a huge grin to my face. I just read about the weeklong seminar Tomato puts up every year that I hope to one day attend when I can pay the registration fee. I considered bringing my portfolio, even though it is in an incomplete state, but will settle with them signing a CD for me. I'm not a groupie, I'm not a hardcore fan, just someone who has a soundtrack to her life and a love for two individuals that have had a positive influence on me for the past 10 years.

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hello again, internet

Posted on 17·07·2007 at 17:40
i am: excitedexcited
now playing: Daft Punk
So... I'm kind of an obsessive person and what better way to purposely alienate yourself than devote your time to trying to advance in a video game as much as possible (before school starts again). At least it keeps my mind distracted from things that occured little over a month ago that left me devastated, and that is why I have selected to play WoW with all my spare time because I rather escape than deal with tears and such. I finally caught up reading the posts on my friend's page that I had neglected to read over the last three weeks. Here's what I gather...


Yan:


Yes, I almost forgot the reason why I was going on vacation in the first place. NYC isn't completely ruined. Can I keep the book a little bit longer? It'd be neat to capture my experience in the city in the dirty book.

Amanda:
Post your top five favorite sounds, then tag five friends! Bands as a whole and whole compositions don't count, we're talking basic elements here. Voices, languages & accents DO count. :D

In no particular order...
1. An awesome laugh

Some people have a great sounding laugh. One that stands out is Julia Robert's laugh. I'm not a big fan of hers, but I like hearing her laugh because it's loud and funny.

2. The humming/sighing/moaning sound some guys make

It makes me blush. 'nuff said.

3. Kitty chirps

Bird chirps are sunny, lovely and happy, but cat chirps are random and cute. When my cat chirps, I chirp right back at her.

4. Piano

It's serious, emotional, provoking... and real. I don't know how to describe how piano music sounds to me but it's got sophistication in a single note, expressive in all variations.

5. Storms

It gives me a sense of warm and coziness, like I just want to snuggle up or drink hot chocolate. Rainfall also soothes me.

I tag yannick, detour, away_sis, mkb_technologie, eikman


Eike:
You're still adorable. <3

And some people post more than any other person alive. I'm not going to name names, but... (points to Ally) :P


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the new man in my life

Posted on 26·06·2007 at 02:02
i am: awakeawake
now playing: Crosses (Superbass Mix), José González


Wassily (pronounced Vassily, after my favorite painter). At least now I have one that will love me in return.

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this has got to stop

Posted on 10·06·2007 at 23:57
i am: hothot
now playing: Georges Delerue - Camille
Okay. I cannot, cannot devote my summer to playing video games. Cannot. I have a bike, a pool, a nice river that's withing walking distance to get be out and about. Somethings I've enjoyed doing summer's past B.W.O.W. (Before WoW). I justify hours of play because it keeps me from spending money on things like movies, music, shopping, and dining. Since I'm saving up for New York, I'm doing my best to be economical and what's cheaper than sitting around playing games?

I just spent all afternoon and evening because my dear friend tells me that weekends are best to do dungeons. I attempted it three times throughout the day and just got finished about mmm half an hour ago. I did this as oppose to:

1. Cleaning my room
(it's too embarrassing to admit how long it's been)
2. Cleaning out Ethel's litter box and giving her a bath.
3. Going out to Wal-Mart with a friend as we planned.
4. Rearranging my room, as planned.
5. Working on the dirty book
(sorry Yan, I will get words and art on paper and send it out this week)
6. Laundry.

Of course, these are things I can pick and choose to do within the week, but when the A/C is broken, heating the apartment to a toasty 87F rather than cooling it, it makes it difficult to be motivated to do anything. I'm not made for this kind of heat, I find I sweat just from being inside my room!

I am reading though, something I've not done in a long time. I'm finishing up Cat's Cradle and picking up Player Piano tomorrow as recommended by a friend. I normally get car sickness if I read in moving vehicles, but it's been fine for my commute.




Yesterday, a dear friend and classmate married. It was a short and sweet ceremony. The two looked lovely and I wish them much happiness. I normally don't cry at weddings, but I couldn't help be well up, for various reasons. For one, I hope that I'm not losing a friend. Over the past couple of years, we've become like Beavis and Butthead over shared commutes, lunchies, what-what in the butt jokes, and World of Warcraft. Not to mention being in the same classes all day Tuesday and Thursday during the semester. I feel as though marriage would change the relationship between best friends. I know I don't know his other half all that well, but I don't think she appreciates me spending all this time with him. Not that the friendship is inappropriate but some wives don't like their husbands having best friends of the opposite sex. I sure hope things do not change.

And secondly, I can't imagine ever being "the one" for someone. I don't think anyone will ever feel that strongly about me that they'll want to commit to me unconditionally, for as long as we both shall live (or for a long as we choose to keep our vows, though I hope it's the former rather than the latter). To form that kind of union, that person must be special, someone worth having day in, day out. I'm just this girl with all sorts of flaws and insecurities, so I can't see why anyone would want me as though there's no one better. Hmm.

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dreams and Age

Posted on 04·06·2007 at 00:00
i am: awakeawake
now playing: NPR's All Songs Considered Live, The Arcade Fire
I had a dream this evening while riding the train back from Berkeley. I've had several strange dreams lately and one friend in particular keeps appearing in my dreams. In my dream, we were together and I was ready to settle down, and he expressed that he had no desire to marry, ever. What's strange is that is my sentiment but in my dream, I was devastated because I felt there was no one else. I normally share my dreams with Giannini, but I think the weirder my dreams get, the more uncomfortable it makes him. I guess it's the conversation I had with Elaine about her best friend's wedding and my good friend's wedding later this week that has me thinking of love and marriage.

Last night, I had a fantastic evening with friends, family, and my favorite Québécois:

Le Arcade Fire
Le Arcade Fire

What incredible music and energy from incredibly talented individuals. And they played Haiti, my favorite song, though I wish they had played Crown of Love, Windowsill, and Neon Bible. I wish we had seen them both nights though I was glad I was able to share the experience with my little sister. We hadn't purchased her ticket on top before the show sold out, but luckily at the last minute, a friend of ours had an extra ticket. She and I danced and sung along to each song... and again, transitioning from one song to another is fucking epic, closing with Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)/Rebellion (Lies), but it's nothing compared to My Body is a Cage for an encore. I wanted to be right on stage for when the church organ storms in so loud and powerful. Wow. No doubt, one of my most memorable concert experiences, along with Underworld, The Beta Band, Kraftwerk, and Daft Punk.

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when you know you're about to get screwed

Posted on 01·06·2007 at 20:46
i am: upset
I just handed someone $100 for a repair that hasn't been completed.












The reason why my car's been immobile for six months is because 1. a friend had offered to fix it, but never did, and 2. I haven't had the $400 the auto shop had estimated it would cost to repair the car (parts and labor). And I don't have a mechanic in Sacramento, or know anyone that knows cars so I've been shit out of luck until my roommate's boyfriend was in town 3 or so weeks ago. He came up from San Jose to have a friend in the area do major repair work on his car. They cut him a deal, so I asked him to ask if they can repair a broken ignition switch. They said they could, and after finals and trips out of town, I talked to them and yesterday they came to check out the car. They decided to return today to do the repair and estimated it would be $60 for the labor, $20 for the part, but that they'd call shops to get an estimate of what other places are charging for the same service. I said I'd make it $100 since they made the effort to pick me up from work, since they drove out from a neighboring city and they're fixing only what needs to be fix, "unlike the auto shop mechanic, who estimated it'd be between $350 and $400 for a whole new steering column." They said it's unlikely I need a whole new column if I had no issues steering...


Until they took my dash apart. They approached me and said it does need a new column and need to look up the price. The guy has never done that kind of repair before, but since he already took apart my dash, he says he's already done half the labor. They also noticed that my oil gasket is leaking. I left my keys with them and they said they'll order the part tomorrow and install it Monday, though it might take two days. I was working Monday but I've now decided I'm going to take Monday to make sure I'm here while they work on my car. Anyway, they said they'd deduct the labor from what they've already done today, but when we drove to the bank so I could pay them for today's work, they said it was $120. I asked why if we had decided it was $100, and the mechanic's girlfriend said, "oh. I thought you were paying $100 for labor, $20 for the part. whatever." I gave them $100, even though nothing's been done. I'm fearful that the part might not even get replaced, they may buy one at a certain price, say it's more, I dunno. I just met these people yesterday and I called Luis to ask him if they can be trusted and he said, "you shouldn't have paid them anything," and "you're kind of stuck because your car isn't running, you can't take it anywhere to have them check it for you and see if in fact that part needs to be replace." It's just really upsetting because I feel as though I'm being taken advantage of by people I thought i could trust. They were friendly and helpful and gave me a good vibe but now, I don't know. :( I realize they're kind of strapped, but that doesn't mean I've got money falling out of my pockets and to do something so unkind. It's unfair. :(

tomato

today was better and these are the reasons why

Posted on 31·05·2007 at 23:45
now playing: Neighborhood #4 (7 Kettles), The Arcade Fire
_I was on time to my internship

_My redesign variations of the Cue logo were liked by me and the people I work for

_I got a ticket for my little sister to see The Arcade Fire with us in Berkeley this weekend

_MY CAR WILL BE REPAIRED TOMORROW, FINALLY AFTER... well, it's been immobile since January

and

_Grilled cheese sandwich (mozzarella on wheat) for dinner






Hopefully once my schedule is consistent, I can go out for bike rides or afternoon walks by the river. The weather is nice right now, not too hot, not yet at least.


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